Super Chunk

I’m just talking here.

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Jeez.

May 22nd, 2010 · 2 Comments

Can I just say something? All this… CRAP… that is in my life these days, it’s ruining everything. My mom died, and now I can’t really read anything that has anyone in it who dies. I also can’t handle any books about people’s relationships with their mothers, troubled or otherwise. Between the two, I’m limiting myself to children’s books and nonfiction.

I was in Nashville and watched the river creep up my sister’s street for most of a day. And now I am a little dodgy about rain and puddles and flash floods. It wasn’t even my house. I don’t even live there anymore.

I know this makes sense. I know exactly where this stuff comes from, and why it’s happening to me. But cripes, it’s not fun. I got word yesterday that my 92-year-old grandmother is having open-heart surgery on June 4, and I can feel panic rising. So far it’s going away when I tell it to, but it is not far from the surface and I don’t LIKE it.

And you know what else? I feel terrible for not calling my dad every day. But the thing is, he is all about putting on a brave face when I talk to him. My grandma said she thinks my mom’s death is hitting him harder every day — and there again, it makes sense that he might give that anguish to his mother and not necessarily to his youngest child — but I want to help him get through this, and I can’t do that if he won’t tell me what there really is to get through. Except that I kind of already know, only he doesn’t want me to know.

ONE thing I could handle. Even two would be sort of okay. But this is a little much.

Tags: less than fun · daily

2 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Caroline M // May 23, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    I wish I could pass on some magic formula that will help you get through it but I don’t think that there is one. The only thing I know that helps when it’s “everything” getting on top of me is a list. Left column is for the problems, right column is for what I can do about it today. The general idea is that you identify the things you can actually do something about and then recognise that you need to let go on the other things. The weakness is that ticking off “iron big toppling pile of laundry” doesn’t make you feel better about those big things that you worry about but can’t do anything about.

  • 2 Cat // May 25, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Wow. I’m right there with you. And don’t have any more water worries, we’re all fine and digging our way out at least. My biggest problem is that it is HOT right now :) At least regarding the flood issues.

    I have found that if I let myself cry over those things, and then leave those tears in the book, movie, etc, I can usually move on. It is always better when I’m not alone, though, and there is nothing better than kids who get that really quickly and poke me till I smile (Nick) or just hug me as fast as they can whenever I mention my mother (Juliana). Sit yours down and tell them how it feels to you. I did this, and they have been ubersupportive since. I can actually mention my mother without crying, so I consider that progress. But that list of things I wish I could ask her keeps growing. I have to do something practical with a finite reult to get over it. I like Caroline’s idea too. You just gotta do this however you can handle it. And call your sister! or Dad, or Tony or Steve, or just stop Dan and tell him you need to borrow a big shoulder for a minute. Love you.

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